I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Randomize
