what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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