well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I can't put those talents on a resume
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
