New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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