I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
