she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
