I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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