she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
