The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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