I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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