I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
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