Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
