Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Randomize
