Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
i now understand why vodka
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
