just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
she looked like the before picture.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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