she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
