a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Randomize
