Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
The Olympian is in my bed
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize