Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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