Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
