The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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