I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
