I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize