No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize