Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
