Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize