Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Randomize
