my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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