Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
