I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
