We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
