I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
