Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
