so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
