New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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