If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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