the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
