Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
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