Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Randomize
