If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize