I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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