I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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