He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
