she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
