You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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