he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
