i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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