I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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