i just wanna soil my oats bro
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
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