I wish I could teleport
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I need to stop coming to work sober
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
