So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
