i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
