I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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