I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I did not marry a roomba.
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