Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
