Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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