I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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