I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
